Thoughts on Self Kindness

I’ve recently realized a lot of my work is about Self Kindness.  I used to think it was about empowerment, and it is, but that is more of a side effect.

Learning to be kinder to ourselves is Shadow Work. It’s the work of unlearning life times of toxic normalized abuse. It’s the undoing of internalized hates and fears that don’t always belong to us.

It’s not the same as Self/body Love or acceptance. Those things are not required for self kindness.

There are some teachings out there saying that you need to learn to love yourself and/or to accept your body as it is to be able to heal/grow/find joy.

I think it’s bullshit. You don’t have to love yourself or your body. You can feel how ever you want to feel. I know, we are supposed to be Positive Mindset all the time. But that isn’t helpful or healthy.

Being kind to yourself, even a little bit kinder, is powerful.

It can change the way you see yourself, the way you experience the world, the way you interact with other people.

It can help you notice toxic and normalized abuse when you experience or express it.

It can be a solid foundation for whatever healing journey you are on.

You may not be able to change everything about your body. You can be kinder to yourself about your body. Which isn’t the same as never wanting to change it or being madly in love with it the way it is. It is learning to look at yourself a little differently & unlearning harmful stories about how bodies need to conform to whatever society says is beautiful/correct/normal.

You might be a total asshole to yourself and have some pretty shitty beliefs. Being kinder to yourself  can be a springboard for unlearning biases, internalized misogyny, toxic masculinity and other harmful things. Every step we take in de-conditioning ourselves ripples out into the world around us.

Being kinder to ourselves isn’t the same as ignoring our flaws or being self centered. It’s an act of defiance in a world that thrives on you not liking yourself at all.