The season of change is upon me

Autumn is my favorite time of year. I love the cooler weather. The changing of the colors. The natural slowing down of things as nature prepares to rest for the winter. I get very reflective this time of year.

As things energetically settle down, it’s a good time to look at how things went.

It’s also the time of year that I’m most likely to want to make big changes. Which kind of moves against the energy slow down vibes. Part of that is because it’s a good time to let things die that need to die. General life things are taking up less of my brain space and I can actually think for myself.

Something that never seems to change year after years is the pull to be more intentional and active in creating a business that leans more into using my intuitive/energy work skills. This is also the thing that I resist the most. Even when it looks like I’m creating something with those skills, I’m unconsciously doing it in a way that ensures it won’t work. That it’s out of alignment with my dreams/desires.

Why do I continuously do this? Why am I repeating this pattern?

A few reasons.

I am very good at this work and it can create unsettling change. Shove everyone right out of their cozy comfort zones. No one likes that. Including myself.

I have a fear of success. If I succeed, I’m showing off. I’ll really have to get serious about what I’m doing and treat it like a real thing. People will see/know how good I am at these things. Even saying I’m good at these things here in this post is giving me some ‘how dare you’ vibes.

Success is life altering. I’d have to allow myself to have all the things I want to be having. It would change my relationships with everyone in unknown ways. Some people would not be part of my life any more. I would have to be a different person than the one I was raised to be. Different from the one I became to survive. Scary not scary shit.

So every year, I go through this same process of thinking about how I want my biz/life to be, pretending what I’m doing will actually create that biz/life, reaching September saying nothing worked out so I guess that biz/life was the wrong choice or not meant for me.

A perfectly safe predicable pattern of failure because failing is safe and easy. It’s normal and expected.

Every year I say I’m going to do things differently and it lasts about five minutes.

Maybe you have a pattern you keep repeating too. It’s normal. At what point do we decide we aren’t doing these things anymore? The answer to that will be different for everyone. The moment you decide that you are breaking that pattern, tons of things will happen to try and keep you in that pattern. Being able to recognize that is super important.

Those aren’t signs to stay in the pattern. They are opportunities to break the pattern. Repeatedly stepping out of that pattern is how we unlearn it.

Sometimes it can take many many repetitions. to unlearn.

That doesn’t mean you suck at change or that change is wrong.

So again I’m here in this space of deciding if I’m going all in on biz things or not. I am going all in on my fiction writing. I’m enjoying doing it. I want to see where that leads me. I also understand that that alone will probably not be the ONE thing that helps me reach my income goals. While any amount of money is potentially possible with any kind of work, I feel like it’s unlikely with any of the things I do to be able to be the ONE thing. And I enjoy so many things, I don’t need to try and rely on one income stream. I also don’t think having a single income stream is sustainable in the long term. That is just my opinion for myself. You do what works for you.

Everything I do is energy work. Photography, journaling, writing, knitting/crochet. All of it.

I know that when I decide what I want + allow myself to have it, I get it. I have done it over and over again in my life. But not with big/important things because I still have a hard time believing that I can have things. I have a life time of conditioning to be small and unseen. Totally normal for women/girls. None of these things are real reasons for not going after things.

If I were one of my clients, I would be so annoyed and fed up and considering dropping me as a client.

I need to get out of my own way and allow myself to have what I want. I’m looking at creating a business that follows the things I enjoy doing/am curious about, makes the most of my skills/abilities and can easily fuel a life of travel and creativity in which even when things aren’t ‘perfect’, I’m not stuck in survival mode.

Energetically this is a huge shift. I’ve been make small shifts in this direction and made imperfect progress. I also feel like the time for fucking around is over. There isn’t the same time & space for that as we’ve had. Energy is popping and it’s important that we are deciding what that energy is going toward and not our corporate overlords.

I’m going to have to be super intentional around client work & how I’m putting my work out into the world. One of the ways I hide myself is by slipping into vague beige new age-ish trending language when talking about what I’m doing. Stoping doing that, I think will have a big impact on who & how I’m reaching/connecting with people. Which will also help the people who would love to pay me be able to find me and know they want to work with me.

Whatever you are working on, whatever pattern, stuckness, you are having, what is one thing you can do/think/be differently that will move you a step closer to where you want to be.

If you’re not sure where you want to be, start there. If you don’t know what you want, you can’t have it. You’ll just pick what everyone else is picking.

If you think you need to find your passion/follow your passion to have whatever life you’re trying to have. You don’t. Follow your curiosity instead. You know what you are curious about. It’s a more useful and enjoyable path.